Team of the Month

Chuck Norris

The internet is a powerful tool.

Since first signing up for a Hotmail account back in 1998 (yes, I’m that old) I’ve seen all sorts of changes take place in Cyberland — one of the most significant being the advent of Google and its steady rise to dominion over, well, all the other search engines in existence. (Anyone here remember AltaVista?)

As those of us who spent our teenage years following the fantastical pursuits of Marvel Comics' spandex clad line-up know: With great power comes great responsibility. And what with technology now providing hitherto untold exposure to every suburban housewife or indie teen with a computer, a digital SLR and a half-baked idea for a food blog, it's more crucial than ever that we be shrewd and discerning about the sort of content we're happy to endorse and utilise on the web, cluttered as it's long been with useless trivia, terrible writing, and at least 1,200,000,000 porn sites. I don't even know what that number is, but I swear to God that's what comes up when you Google "porn".

The acquisition of knowledge has always been of great concern to we Homo sapiens, and whilst it's true that prior to the birth of the internet most things worth knowing could be found by trawling the archives at you local library (a much slower process, granted, than punching a few words into a search field) there are some facts that were never, before now, a matter of public record — truths shared by a small few; passed down from father to son, inked in tattered journals left lying in the darkest corners of The Caves of Public Knowledge, waiting for the glorious light of the internet to illuminate them.

I'm talking, of course, mainly about Chuck Norris, and the many facts pertaining to him — things that many of us had always subconsciously suspected, but which were never given real credence in the public forum until the details of Mr. Norris' extraordinary feets (not a typo) began circulating online a few years back. Finally, Darwinism was out the window, replaced by the much more feasible theory that our eco-system is made up of only those species that Mr Norris allows to live; and speculation about Amelia Earhart's disappearance could be put to rest once it was known that Norris had, at one time, roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, travelled back in time, and sent the Electra plunging into the Pacific.

Our October Team of the Month could, no doubt, tell you many more irrefutable facts about Mr Walker Texas Ranger (or you could just check out this link), and are such avid fans of the man that they've named their own posse after him. Let's see if they can roundhouse kick their way through our team questionnaire…

Do you have a team captain?
Chuck Norris is his own captain.

Who is the nerdiest member on the team?
Sir Nate of Balls.

Do you have a rival team?
Yes—David Hasselhoff, the good looking son of a bitch.

Do you have a team mascot?
Spewy, the New Year's Melissa.

What has been your greatest taste of glory to date?
Trav winning Jillpot twice. Once for $340, but more importantly once for $40. Booyah!

Opera Boy — what new products would you like to see him endorse?
"Don't Pants". Stopping sex crimes since 2009.

What’s the furthest distance travelled by a team member to get here?
Damien, from the 1970s.

What's your favourite meal on trivia night?
The sweet dessert of victory.

If you could have any song play when your team was announced, what would it be?
The Touch, (the theme from Transformers).

What questions do you guys suck at?
This one.

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